For Women Only: Knowing What Matters Most to Your Husband

We hardly take a step back to see how to take personal responsibility for our own actions in our marriages. Yet when we do, the outcome is incredibly rewarding.

When each of us, men and women, decide to look beyond our own needs momentarily to see what our spouse needs, the value is almost instantly realized. Sure, taking care of ourselves is paramount, but marriage is a challenge because we have a constant companion by which we interact with more than any other person on the planet (usually).

Now, women take note: what you don’t know about the inner workings of your husband can be hurting your marriage – big time! And, as Shaunti Feldhahn shows us in her book, For Women Only, just a few simple strategies can reap great rewards.

Respect versus Love

Ladies, this may come as a shock: research shows that men would rather be unloved than disrespected. Stop for a moment and think about how it would feel if you felt your spouse didn’t love you. Pretty horrible, right? The same is true for men who feel disrespected!

What to do: In his judgment, abilities, and capabilities and in communication, show your husband you respect him and believe in him as often as you can. The difference in love and respect are slight, and when your husband hears, “I’m proud of you” this is a show of love for him. Believe in the best from your spouse, and chances are, he’ll have more confidence to give you his very best.

Security and Supply

Both men and women often feel a deep sense of insecurity. We fear being “found out” or that we’re always just slightly above our optimal working level. Husbands also feel a deep need to provide for his family, both financially and in security. Your husband wants to know he is the “protector,” even if his wife supplies more monetary support to the family.

What to do: The truth is, we all want to be affirmed in our abilities as humans. And, when we don’t get the “at-a-boys” at home, we seek them elsewhere. From working too many hours, to immersing himself in sports and outside activities at the expense of family time, to crossing the boundaries with female coworkers, husbands will figure out a way to feel admired for what he brings to the table. Therefore, our job as wives is to show confidence in our spouse! Affirm him, encourage him, and support him (just as we would want, right?).

Sex and Emotions

Sounds like an oxymoron to some women, but despite popular belief, your husband is an emotional being. And, while it may seem like sex and emotions don’t go hand-in-hand, they do. However, men feel more connected to their wives through the act of sex, and your husband wants to know you want him. He feels loved to his core when you crave him sexually.

What to do: Imagine what it feels like to feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse, as if he doesn’t understand you and you’re on two different planes. That doesn’t feel good at all! That’s exactly how your husband feels when he isn’t sexually connected. The mere act alone helps him feel loved, secure, respected and confident. Women, make sex a priority in your marriage. Instead of seeing the act as a “duty” or a job, see it for what it is: an emotional connection. Just as women want emotional connection, men do as well, and it can often come in the form of sex.

Romance

This may come as a shock, but your husband wants romance, too! However, it’s important to note that men not only view romance differently, but they also feel somewhat insecure about romancing you the way you want to be romanced (I mean, it does make a man step out of his comfort zone when he’s doing what YOU want rather than what HE wants, right?)

What to do: Understand that when your husband wants to go to a sporting event with you, “hang out” with you, or have you on his arm in various social situations, this very well could be romance for him. He enjoys being able to show you off and be proud of you with his friends. Also, encourage your husband through the “rough” spots of romance: encourage him when he steps out of his comfort zone, show him you appreciate his efforts, and let him know he’s your number one. And remember this from Key #3 above, for some men, romance may not feel complete without sex. Understanding why is key: men see the act of sex as the connection itself, whereas women see the connection as a stand-alone. When your husband steps out of his comfort zone to romance you the way you want to be romanced (and yes, some even enjoy it!), he may feel discouraged not getting his “connection” (through sex).

Appearance

Yes, your spouse cares about your appearance, but perhaps not in the way you think. Your appearance is more about how you take care of and carry yourself, not your size. Yes, size does matter, but it matters less when you are clean, tidy, smelling good, and have confidence to boot! Your husband wants to feel proud of you, because you help him look good.

What to do: Examine all parts of your appearance: size, physical exercise, overall cleanliness and tidiness. If you feel mostly bad about your appearance overall, chances are your husband does, too. He won’t admit it, but he does want you to fix yourself up and show more confidence in the way you look and feel about yourself.

Ok ladies, now that we know what to do, lets get started.!

Just Us Now

Just Us Now....

We returned to the city exhausted and relieved. We were grateful to God for journey mercies on everyone that came, and most importantly for a successful traditional marriage. It went well, a few hiccups here and there, but nothing we couldn't handle. People came in multitudes (if one is planning something small, Christmas is a bad time to celebrate any occasion in the Eastern part of our Country), and they were all entertained.

I already had my bags packed so i returned with my husband to his place. Where i come from, people say the traditional marriage is as good as any marriage, since a woman's dowry had been paid, she is obligated to go with him. A lot of people are still divided on this opinion, some say she should not move in until after the wedding while some are in-different. Some ladies may want to move in but their parents will not allow it, so they spend weekends instead, while some parents don't mind at all.

I often wonder what the point of it all is. We were taught in secondary school that traditional marriages were a form of marriage, so for the parents that are against it, are they insinuating that our teachers are wrong? Seeing it from the religious aspect, can one really say your are fornicating with a man whom you have decided to spend the rest of your life with? Does wearing white and standing in a church make a marriage more solid than its other counterparts?

Well, i moved in nevertheless, and it was just us now. We had never really lived together so this was all new to the both of us. It's at such moments that you fully understand the big difference between dating and marriage.

We were both tired and hungry, he looked at me and asked what we'd have for dinner. That question surprised me, usually, we would have ordered out or strolled to have a bite but here he was asking a tired me what we would have for dinner. A million answers came to mind but then i remember we were married now, that it was my sole responsibility (that's what i was told by the women who saw me off as i was leaving my father's place) to ensure that he is well taken care off and that includes feeding him. So i said instead that i would make us dinner, i did not want anything to ruin our perfect togetherness. After spending all he had in the village, i knew money issues were going to be touchy and so i let him be and in spite of my fatigued body i made dinner.

Some people may not agree with my moving in, but i know i made the right decision. It was my decision, and i made it as a result of the circumstances surrounding me. It wasn't an easy one to make though, but marriages need a lot of sacrifices and this was one of mine.

Feel free to leave your comments below.

Morning After...

I woke up at the sound of my alarm, turned it off and lay back stretching lazily. I tried closing my eyes to go back to sleep as was my custom, but there was something different about this morning. The room smelled different, the shades were a different color and even my pillow felt different beneath my head.  I opened my eyes again, wondering if I was dreaming, that kind of dream that felt so real you could not tell the difference from reality, and then I realized I was in a strange room. I was so startled I nearly fell from the bed, and while groping for something to hold on to to prevent me from falling, I saw him still fast asleep and I relaxed. The events of the previous day slowly crept into my mind, I took a few minutes to re-play it all, thinking of how pretty I looked and proud I was as I walked around looking for my husband, how my mother danced her heart out because her daughter was finally getting married, how my friends wished they were in my shoes and prayed for their own husbands to find them, I could not stop myself from smiling. My husband stirred beside me and that brought me back to reality. I looked down at him sleeping peacefully and I smiled again, every time I look at him, I can’t seem to stop myself from smiling. I examine his face, he is a handsome man I say to myself, and even the 3 day old beards on his face did nothing but make him look more rugged and masculine.

How would I begin my first day here? Usually, I would wake up, sleep again before finally waking up mostly at the sound of someone calling me. I had younger siblings who usually did the early morning chores so I never bothered with them. My main responsibilities back at my folks were to cook and ensure everyone ate. This meant I always woke up late and no one ever noticed, even if they did, no one ever complained except maybe for my grand-mother, who complained that I always over-slept and always told me that it was not good for a woman and that I would have problems when I eventually got married.

 
I should have listen to her, now I’m married and in my husband’s house and i have no clue where and how to begin. Should I sweep first or do the loads dishes waiting in the kitchen? Is it breakfast first? Would it be inappropriate wearing shorts or should I tie the wrapper my mum packed for me? At that moment I wanted to cry, I wanted to pick up the phone and call my mum to ask for advice but remembering how she always scolded me for over sleeping made me decide against it. I mustered all the courage I had, got dressed (even tied the wrapper to avoid all kinds of bad talk) and went to the living room. Luckily for me, the entire household was still asleep except for my girlfriend and the help who were already working. I let out a sigh of relief, glad it wouldn’t be such an awkward morning and happily joined them, wishing they would all sleep till we were done with all the chores.

Meeting the In-Laws

Driving into my new home, i didn't know what to expect. Would they love me? Would they accept me? Was i good enough for their son? Would i make a good wife? The car jolted to a halt and i snapped out of my thoughts. 

We were greeted by cheers from a large crowd who could not make it to my village, and soon those who came back with us joined in congratulating us. The women began singing and dancing to a traditional song that was new to me but usually sung to welcome in new wives. it was amusing watching them and soon i found myself moving to the rhythm of the song.
People walked up to me embracing me and introducing themselves, each explaining who they were and how they related to my husband, soon i got so confused i just nodded in acknowledgement.

My mother-in-law looked happy, that was a relief. Every woman's worst nightmare is marrying into a family where she is not liked, those who are in that kind of family hate it and those about getting married pray against it. So when i saw her look happy, i was over joyed. Marriages are hard enough, difficult in-laws would just make it unbearable. My in-laws are conservatives and don't really have a close knitted kind of relationship with each other the way my family does. So i was thrilled when i realized that not only did i have a few in-laws, they seemed like decent people.

As night drew near and the crowd receded, i began to grow nervous again. Soon it was just my new family, my girlfriend and i, we tried to make light conversations but we soon ran out of things to say and then it was awkward silence. I stole a glance at my girlfriend, our eyes met and she caught my nervous glance. God bless her, for at that moment, she yawned and said she needed to use the bathroom, breaking the silence. I quickly seized that opportunity to yawn and stretch also saying i was tired, my husband stood up to lead me to our bedroom.

Lying in bed and thinking of all that had happened, i had mixed feelings. I missed my family already, this was my first night in another village and i was so scared. Being married was great, but being away from your people was nerve racking. What would i do tomorrow when i woke up? I pondered, I looked at my hubby lying next to me snoring lightly, and i smiled. The journey ahead may not be an easy one, but i had him to comfort me. I snuggled into his arms and slowly fell asleep.

Traditional Marriage

... Carrying the palmwine in my hands and walking around looking for the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with, i trembled. A million thoughts were going through my head and not one of them steadied my hands. Am i making the right decision? Is this the man I'm destined to marry? Will he be good to me? Are we good friends? Would he cheat on me? These were a few of the thoughts that ran through my head as i walked through the cheering crowds, most of whom were men beckoning on me to hand them the wine i was carrying. And then i saw him, just sitting there watching me with a big smile on his face, also calling on me to hand him the wine, at that instant, all my fears vanish.  He may not be perfect, but we both love each other and that was all that mattered to us. Our gazes meet and he never takes off his eyes. Even when i knelt to give him his drink, he never once looked away and when i saw the look on his face, it was that of pride, happiness and contentment.

I cried my eyes out when it was time to leave, i clung to my mum and didn't want to let go. She had to push me into the car before other people saw me embarrass myself. They say a girls wedding day is supposed to be her happiest, but at that very moment, sadness engulfed me. When planning to get married, you never really think of the aftermath, you only think of the D-day and plan towards making it perfect. When its time to say goodbye to your family, it hits you that from then onwards your allegiance now lies with a new person and not the people you are accustomed to. You also realize that you would now have to spend time with the in-laws and trust me when i say this, its every girls nightmare.

Driving away from my folks place, i looked back one last time at the place i had called home for 26 years, and the tears flowed freely. I looked at my new husband sitting beside me, he gave me a warm reassuring smile and drew me into his arms, i smiled back, snuggled into his arms and leaned back to enjoy the ride.

Marriage Things

...... mum please quit nagging me, i'll get married when i find the right man. Dili looked across at her mum and wanted to shake her up. Her mum had been hounding her since she turned 25 for not wanting to get married. She seemed to believe marriage completes every woman and the idea irritated Dili. Mum, she continued, i'm young, beautiful and i have a great job, i'm really not under any pressure to get married, besides, i don't need a man to complete me because i have everything i need.
Nneka - Dili's mum - looked at her daughter and shook her head. Young? you are 25 for pete's sake, how can you say you are young. I married your father when i was 19 and had all your siblings before i was 25 and here you are telling me you are young. You are dangerously approaching 30, and honey, the older you get the more difficult it'll be to get a good husband.
But mum, Dili tried to cut her short but her mum was not done speaking...
I am your mother and i know best, you need to start thinking of settling down before time passes you by and you become desperate. Now is the time to search carefully for the man you would love to spend the rest of you life with. Find him now when you still have time to court, and not when you are 30 and desperate.
Dili thought of arguing with her mum, but there was absolutely no point. This was all they talked about these days and Dili was beginning to loose her patience. Okay mum, she said instead, I'll start looking for a man. Happy now? Her mum smiled at her and Dili knew she had won this one, but the victory was short lived when her mum said,
Please try to find and Igbo catholic, you know your father is a knight in the church... Dili did not let her finish, she quickly jumped up from where she had been sitting and walked out of the room slamming the door behind her.


To be continued...